30 March 2009

The Rules of DIY

  1. Holes don’t stay where you drill them.
  2. Measure twice, cut once, measure again to see why it doesn’t fit.
  3. If you drop something small, it will fall down the crack in the floorboards.
  4. If you drop something heavy, it will land on your foot or the cat or something breakable.
  5. Always use the right tool for the job.
  6. If you don’t have the right tool, use a hammer.
  7. Always work slowly when cutting wood; it gives you more time to realise your mistake.
  8. If you need a screw of a particular size, you will not have one, possibly because you have just dropped it (see 3 above).
  9. If there are two ways of doing something, the easier way takes longer.
  10. The leaking joint is always the least accessible one.
  11. Paint never dries lighter.
  12. The best tool for applying plaster is a magic wand.
  13. Always plan the job carefully before you start it; be prepared to modify your plan at any point in the process.
  14. Gravity always acts vertically, except in the vicinity of a spirit level.
  15. In the middle of a process, you will discover you need another tool (see 5 above); you will have forgotten where that tool is (see 6 above).
  16. The shop will close two minutes before you arrive to buy the vital part you forgot.
  17. If the shop is open, the vital part is out of stock.
  18. New shelves never look level…because they aren’t (see 1 and 14 above).
  19. Always take extreme care when using sharp tools: try not to get blood on anything you cannot wash.
  20. The worst part of any job is clearing up at the end.
  21. The most difficult part of any job is getting around to it.
  22. The best part of any job is the tea-break.
  23. The easiest part of any job does not exist.

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